After the Ride
Sessions are absolutely not entirely pleasure and permissiveness: there's a bit of discomfort and denial worked in, as well as usual or uncommon stimuli and circumstances. Many natural chemicals may be dumped from their neuro-buckets during play which can make us feel altered for hours afterward. These chemicals, movements or bits of play can also kick over the ol' feels/ trauma basketswithout warning. I do try to make sure the sessions end with a natural come down/ come up so folks can re-integrate with the default world so to speak in good time.
Some folks book extended aftercare/ social time to supervise and guide their come downs. It's important to not book anything terribly important right after a session in my opinion, and also to not rush the integration of new information and to appreciate each stage of recovery as a plateau, while being kind to yourself.
What folks need after playing is really different for everyone. I recommend taking a few moments to have a sit somewhere if you didn't after playing with me, to breathe, drink some water and eat a little snack which will tell you how ready your body is to go back to regular functioning etc. I recommend things like stopping by a fruit market to buy one or two pieces of fruit or veggie bundles that you pick out with care for refueling: it's a good combination of sights, textures and scents to delight/ test your senses. You may be super receptive to art and weirdness or want to do nothing, or want to wander and be open to new things or want to go home and nap. Please plan some of your own come down time if you can spare it- you will thank yourself!!
Some common post-play experiences that catch people off-guard:
processing unexpected feelings
being unable to/forgetting to eat or drink water
trouble sleeping
needing a nap immediately, shutting down
not having the emotional strength to handle other stressors or needs
eating a whole lot of a food/ carb monster
flashbacks or disassociation/ feeling checked-out
feeling irritable and cranky
feeling high and invincible or drunk/high with giddiness
feeling enormous amounts of shame / pit of shame
feeling easily influenced, invincible, trouble saying no
feeling stuck in arousal while looping on the hottest moments of a thing
waves of feelings
feeling like absolute garbage afterward even if you enjoyed yourself
feeling like doing things “out of character”
I generally write folks to check-in 2-3 day after playing to allow for a natural come down and essentially so I'm not interfering with the integration of the play and after processing when folks may be more easily influenced even hurt by attention or feedback etc. Sometimes I will write a day after if I think there's a need for reassurance around a physical activity / recovery regarding first-time experiencing X or Y activities ex. saline inflation.
When folks know they are playing hard with me and we are planning to do something that empties them out in every way, sometimes we will plan the aftercare together as an outing that combines needing to come down or blow off excess energy with rehydrating and finding our way to food as well. These really vary when it comes to the needs of the individual but a bike ride to blow off excess spanking energy followed by a trail side picnic sitting on jagged rocks is a beautiful combo of coming down but not forgetting for a minute any of our shenanigans.
Aftercare suggestions:
rehydrating and electrolytes
a little picnic or snack
lie on your back on the ground somewhere safe at home or in nature like snoopy
go to a beach and put your feet in the sand- or a creek and feet on pebbles
go for a bike ride, skate, ferry ride
do yard work or pick up garbage in a park
clean or organize something
help someone else
doodle, draw, paint, stack rocks
read a storybook with photos in a language you know or sort of know
let rush hour pass before getting into it
shop for groceries somewhere new, try a new food or recipe
write down exciting things you remember about playing
yoga/ stretch, gentle work-out, go for a run
make a fort, set a nap timer and go
play a video game
make some sort of craft (tactile stuff)
listen to a new or favourite musical album
time with friends
30 min stroll
sit in nature and listen to birds or water
play or work with rocks, sand, clay, paint, slime
On After- Processing + Finding Meaning
Not everyone breaks down sessions afterward, and generally everyone has a different goal or machine through that these bits of input are pulled through so-to-speak. I recommend allowing yourself to crash and recover before doing deep work but there are folks who do their best work when in that chaotic, lesser known state that comes after play. Some folks really like to know “how they did” but it’s hard for me to say if I don’t know what you are comparing or why: exploration doesn’t really have a wrong direction, when things are new or new again territory there’s a lot we don’t know yet.
Sometimes overthinking or picking scenes to the bones is helpful for growth and sometimes it’s a hinderance to growth. Sometimes it comes too early, in a time that could otherwise be quiet or slower: I have struggled with this one, and can find it challenging to switch from play space to reflective headspace before I’ve done my own come down, but I do my best with requests for immediate feedback and do tend to give immediate praise and positive commentary to go home with anyway.
If you want to do deep personal work with kink, which is valuable and worthy but maybe not the best for your first few dives into playing and please be extra careful of personal narrative building while in crash-space/ feeling like garbage. Let the "tea leaves” settle before you "read" them, that is to say, let the fragments of memories swirl around and remind you of all the happened, let your body rest, rehydrate + snack.
There are lots of places our minds can get stuck on the way down, and some of these things I’ve seen pop up in the forefront of someone’s processing and labelling as something like sabotage for many an amazing pervert:
getting stuck on a detail that you perceive as a personal failure
getting stuck on a detail where you wish you went further/ beating yourself up over not going harder
wishing you didn’t use a safe-word or that things were more intense
feeling upset because you didn’t like something you thought you would
obsessing over need for immediate feedback or interactions from any particular person vs taking care of your own immediate needs
using the word fine to define something and never re-defining past “ok” or “fine”
calling an experience entirely bad or a waste if you didn’t hit a personal goal
not trying again because you didn’t have a good experience with X person
feelings of shame blocking integration or joy, revoking consent as an act of harm from not getting what you want
interpreting someone else’s feelings and acting on them ex. reading harm from something I’m saying when it’s not intended
changing your definition of sex or a boundary after the fact and altering the consent post hoc without any conversation
assuming someone else can read your mind, feelings or desires and that “they knew..” if you didn’t tell them directly
assuming that mistakes are made or schemed sadistically vs forgetfulness and regular human error aka whewps
taking raw crusty feelings out on friends and people you care about instead of making time for aftercare
Everyone has different needs for aftercare as well as different schedules, supports and outlets so, often times folks already have their own come-down and aftercare rituals or shenanigans they do on their own. I offer professional aftercare chunks as well as work a little bit in to each session end depending on our timing and the vibe. Feel free to reach out to discuss leveling up aftercare or dipping into these kinds of experiences on top of playing! I hope that this little write- up helps some folks understand the wide range of planned and unplanned feels that can come with controlled chaos and gives a bit of insight into deeper play and kinky rituals for folks who want to step things up a notch.
