Consent + Understanding
I consider kink to push our limits (physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually), like many other immersive experiences (float tanks, saunas, extreme or endurance sports. The challenge I see for most folks is being present in their bodies and being open to feeling things versus numbing out- that is one of the hardest things for even the most hardcore painsluts. It's not about whether or not you can do a thing or take an experience for me but whether or not you were present during.
I consider harm reduction and risk awareness when setting up scenes, and hurt versus harm when it comes to edge play. I cannot guarantee complete safety and control- I do my best with the information I've been given and navigate with care, but my role is to create controlled chaos that immerses folks in ways that help their brains give up making lists, ignoring touch, assist with focus (and other things). While I do appreciate RACK, SSC + PRICK, and do heavily stress the consent of all parties involved in and witnessing a scene, I know those words imply different boundaries, negotiations and safety lines for different folks and do try to check in whenever they are requested specifically.
I’m an ‘experience facilitator’, an escape artiste that dives into weird, sadistic and fantasy shenanigans. Sometimes those hijinks bring up serious sensations or feelings that don’t feel traditionally pleasant in the moment or even afterward. You may have seen me engaged in anything from very extreme to very fluffy kink play. I ask that you use your media literacy and intimacy goggles to view this and understand that the most ‘intense’ things I do are generally with folks I’ve known for a long time with whom I have established trust and experience: we did not start at level “eleventy”.
Consent + Understanding
I know it can be frustrating for folks to try to talk about touch + intimacy if they don't have a lot of experience doing so, but the best way to gain that experience is not giving up on trying! I always ask a good handful of questions when first meeting a person, which to some folks can be very frustrating: understanding takes time and so does trust: I err on the side of caution and ramp-up intensity always. If you don't know the answer to something I'm asking, telling me you don't know is fantastic- much better than ignoring the question entirely. Telling me you are "open to anything" doesn't read as most folks intend, so I insist on starting points, even if they change later.
We need to be in the same conversation, to understand each other before playing. Where you are coming from in kink helps (identity and experience) as well as a few of your interests and boundaries. We all have different sensory interests, tolerance levels and definitions of sex, and these things can change over our lifetimes. I won't know what you don’t tell me. Please do not exaggerate your experience level: I play with all experience levels! If you are very experienced and are requesting heavy edge play/ bondage from the start, please have more than one reference handy! You must be willing to show up sober with the exception of some medicinals: the play we are engaging in will be a lot on it's own. Please let me know if any of your medicines or health conditions affect your ability to "feel things"!
You can change your mind along the way and you can change your mind in a session too. Our bodies don’t always cooperate or operate with the same feels so our abilities and desires may switch up quite a bit over time. You can change your mind after playing and not want to do something again, or it may be that something you thought you’d love wasn't awesome. I also may take activities off the table or pause a session if I feel the need (safety, check-ins, adjusting).
No means No until we've negotiated otherwise (all of No’s cousins are also regarded as No, slow down or pause in the earliest moments). I will use whatever safe-word system you like, if you have one that you are practiced with so long as the definitions are clear (ex. does yellow mean slow down or stay at this edge for your stop-light system).
Being “forced” do something in this context is a fantasy role play that you also actively participate in with pre-negotiated consent and a safeword. CNC + ‘dub-con’ can only come with earned trust: real coercion isn’t hot to me at all. In the case of couples, ALL parties must be part of a conversation about consent without exception: I do not surprise or "gift" my attention or power dynamics on others. Likewise I do not grasp at straws when it comes to humiliation: words that are powerful to some can be very hurtful to others. Humiliation play and verbal humiliation stuffs are all personalized to sit on or nowhere near things that we find humiliating in day to day life depending on desires so I will ask for clarification.
AfterCare + Accountability
If something goes sideways in a session that causes any kind of unintentional damage I'll tell you right away. I can't think of an example where anything serious happened without someone's knowing, or, since it’s the most common fear, someone leaving with welts who asked for not marks. That’s not to say accidents can’t happen so I do my best to be equipped and ready for anything. I can't think of an example where I wasn't equipped with the necessary things to recover comfort in order to continue discomfort so-to-speak. I have a good handful of health related certifications to help round out my Aftercare skills (First Aid, MHFA, PFA triage, Naloxone training, Stop the Bleed etc), and a lot of experience as a trip-sitter and de-escalation hippie that comes in handy for pivoting and dealing with things going sideways. I'm not a therapist and should not be approached as an alternative to a trained impartial ear, counsellor or group support for life's things. I generally write folks to check-in 2-3 days after playing to allow for a natural come down where I’m not interfering with the integration of the play and after processing feels when folks may be more easily influenced or even hurt by attention or feedback etc.
I've written a nice little blog about AfterCare to help new and experience kinksters alike understand the wide scope of needs and experiences folks may consider or need as aftercare.
Photo/ Video: I will never film or take photos of playing without consent!! ( And for the most part, without your gov't ID, release form, good light and more). Read more about why I'm definitely not filming our session HERE.
When Comms Go Sideways:
I recognize that communication is challenging for all of us and that misunderstandings abound. That being said, if we really can't get on the same page and are not having the same conversation I'll want a full stop of negotiations and time before trying again. No is a flat No for me, not an invitation to change my mind. Because communication sidewaysness is common I use a "cool your jets" period between negotiation attempts: named as such after folks who send multiple emails, ignore my safety questions and are generally too excited to be able to communicate and play and are therefore unable to negotiate consent stuffs in a way I can trust.
It could be that:
our communication types are incompatible
our needs are incompatible
your communicated desires are unrealistic
a person becomes reactive to expressed boundaries
gnomes interfere with our ability to understand each other
(or a number of other reasons)
This is an opportunity, not a punishment: instead of a hard line NO I'm leaving space for us to try again. If you become abusive or entitled as a result of hearing no, we definitely shouldn't play together. I realize a lot of folks do not have the practice/ gift of queer or BDSM "expanded sex language" under their belts to negotiate directions/ touch/ intimacy or to directly ask for things they might want and that can bring up a lot of frustration - that's normal too just try to be kind to yourself and not throw that frustration at me when I've asked for space.
